I'm going to create a situation here to show you the difference between a healthy and a not-so-healthy conversation. Let's say you want to talk about something that's been bugging you, but your partner feels frustrated because he or she feels it’s a topic you both covered before. Here’s an example of what it sounds like when both of you communicate in a negative tone—bringing your pride and ego into the equation:
"I don't understand you. You don't make any sense."
"I'd appreciate it if you'd just listen more, maybe then you'll understand me!"
"I always listen, but you bring up the same thing. I'm tired of this conversation!"
"Does it ever occur to you that this conversation repeats itself because we haven't resolved the problem? You keep saying, ‘Let's move on—let's change the subject.'"
"Yeah, let's change subject cause this conversation isn't going anywhere!"
"That's not fair. My feelings are still hurt...don't you care?"
"Oh yeah, how do you think I feel?"
Do you see how the negative tone here can lead to further misunderstanding or arguments? This type of communication can keep you from being on the same page, and take you both away from your common goal—to be happy.
Now, let me share another example (using the same situation above) to show you what it sounds like when both of you communicate in a positive tone—dropping pride and ego out of the equation, and speaking from the heart:
"I know you've brought this up before so it must be important to you. Take your time and tell me your concern. I want to understand you better."
"I really appreciate that you care and want to understand. I'll do my best to explain what it is I'm feeling so we can resolve this together and move on from here."
"I must admit this is not my favorite conversation, but I'll do my best to listen because I really care about you."
"Thank you for letting me share my thoughts. You must really care about us to sit through this conversation again. I really appreciate that about you. Let's move on from this and talk about something else. What do you say?"
Can you hear the distinct tone difference between the two examples of conversations I've shared here? Which one do you think contributes to a healthy, happy relationship?
Learn to acknowledge your partner when he or she does or says something you appreciate. Don't always assume they know you appreciate them. Be respectful of your partner's feelings even when yours are hurt. If you want to say something you feel your partner won't agree with, tell them anyway, but do it nicely. Then, ask them how they feel about what you just shared, and be open and accepting of their answer to you. They’re entitled to their feelings just as much as you’re entitled to yours.
When it's your partner's turn to speak, be patient and listen, even if you feel you have much more to say. Try not to hastily draw a conclusion or make a decision on what's really going on. Even if you feel you're not at fault, let them have a chance to share their view. Don't be ready to react, or eager to attack. Be more in control of yourself, and treat your partner the way you want to be treated. Model the communication you seek, and give your partner a chance to reciprocate.
On another note, I know there's a lot here to take in. And some of you may even be thinking that this is not easy to do. I would have to agree with you. However, I will also say this: Things that are worth doing, are not always easy. If having a healthy, happy relationship is what you're after, I assure you, these things are worth doing.
With practice, all this becomes much easier. So start practicing. Make a conscious decision to break away from the "easy" but ineffective way of communicating in a relationship. I will be back to finish the rest of this article on my next post, “Part 3 of 3.” Stay tuned…
0 comments:
Post a Comment