What has to happen in order for you to find The Right One? (Part 2 of 2)

I hope you had a chance to read Part 1 of “What has to happen in order for you to find The Right One?” Here’s the rest of the article (Part 2 of 2):

The second precondition is to be fully honest with yourself. This trait is interconnected with learning to live from an open heart (the first precondition covered in Part 1 of 2 of this article). The more honest you become with yourself the harder it becomes for you to deny the truth of how you feel.

Learning to be honest with how you feel is not just an easy walk in the park. Most of us are masters at hiding our feelings, in one way or another. Not wanting to face the truth of how we feel, we often simply inundate ourselves with distractions rather than face some basic truths. But it is only by learning to be honest with how you feel that you can gain the ability to just know whether someone is the right one for you or not.

Unless you are honest about your feelings, it is impossible to just “know” whether someone may be the right one for you. You may even be married to a person, but still feel uncertain whether this person is your soul mate.

This brings us to our third condition, trusting our intuition. Our intuition develops when we are being honest about both our positive and negative feelings.

Before I go further, let me give a short explanation about how I view negative feelings. I actually viewall feelings in a positive or neutral way. For example, I have learned to enjoy the times when I am sad as a beautiful part of life, so that I can fully experience those parts of life, too.

I believe we should all develop more positive views about our negative feelings in general, if that makes sense, since our pure negative feelings like anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, fear, and sorrow are necessary to help us keep a balance. That means, you cannot experience true joy in life without also being able to fully experience your sadness.

But back to exploring intuition. Developing your honesty about your feelings will enhance your sensitivity to your own intuition. Call it a sixth sense or higher wisdom, or whatever. It is that inner voice that we all have that is able to detect the truth. However, the more we believe in lies, the more disconnected we become from this internal voice. Our intuition only strengthens and develops when we make decisions from a place of an open heart and become more sensitive to our feelings.

The reason women are often said to be more intuitive is because it is the female side of us that is connected to our feelings. It is ultimately from learning to listen to your intuition that you are able to just “know” whether someone is the right one for you or not. When you hear a happily married couple say that they simply knew they were meant for each other, in fact, these were the preconditions that were met.

Sometimes, it takes the right timing to just know. We all progress and develop at different speeds. The old saying that when the student is ready the teacher will appear also applies to recognizing the right one. And, unless those previous three conditions are met, this may not be the right time for you to receive or meet your soul mate.

Finally, often the people who have found the right person have not consciously tried to meet these conditions. They have simply lived them, and as a result they are able to recognize their right life partner.

However, if you are one of those people who is struggling to find the right one, understanding this process intellectually may help you learn where you might be stuck. Just the fact that you are reading this post is a sign that you are open to looking for help in finding your soul mate. I congratulate you for being on the right path.

What has to happen in order for you to find The Right One? (Part 1 of 2)

More often than not, I come across articles written by other relationship experts and advisors who share my similar view on achieving healthier, happier relationships. So from time to time, I’ll make a point to share with you what they have to say. This way, you don’t always only hear what I have to say.

Today, I want to share an article written by Mikko Kemppe, a Mars Venus Relationship Coach who has worked for the #1 bestselling relationship author of all time (Dr. John Gray).

So, what has to happen in order for you to find The Right One? On my last post, I spoke at length about “timing” playing a huge role. To explore this even further, here’s what Mikko has to say:

How do you know when you have found the right person with whom to share the rest of your life? Maybe you have been dating for quite a while and you have begun to wonder whether this person can possibly be your soul mate. Perhaps you are single and are asking whether it really is ever possible to know the answer to this question, or maybe you are married and are having doubts about whether you have made the right decision in selecting this person as your partner.

I have heard many answers to this question, and really the best answer seems to be that you just know. And I am going to use the rest of this article to argue why I think this is so.☺ See, the way you are able to recognize that someone is not the right partner for you is the same way you can recognize that he is.

This concept of knowing when someone is the One, is very easy to misunderstand. Why? Because unless certain preconditions are met, your ability to recognize the right one is impaired. You may be confused or think that there is no way you can know whether that someone is it, but, here’s the good news – it is really possible to know, provided that the right conditions are met.

What are those preconditions?

1. Your heart has to be fully open.
2. You have to have the ability to be fully honest with yourself.

3. You have to trust your intuition.
4. The timing has to be right.

Let’s explore each of these conditions in more detail. To have your heart open means that you are honestly in touch with your feelings. Often, while growing up, we have our heart broken – most often several times in many different ways, so, as we learn to protect our heart, it begins to close.

How do I know this to be true? By the time I was around 18-years-old, I had learned to become almost completely numb to my feelings. To protect me from the hurt that I was experiencing at that point in my life, I had became like a cold, hard rock. I had basically shut down from life. I was still doing fine with my day-to-day living, but I certainly was not in touch with my feelings. I felt safe, since I did not let anybody see who I really was or how I felt inside, but at the same time it was impossible for me to feel loved or accepted for who I was.

We’ve heard the expression of “building a brick wall around our heart.” That way we protect ourselves from getting hurt, but what we also do is not allow love to seep in or out either. This concept can be understood on a deeper level.

When we live with an open heart and follow our passions, we live in alignment of who we are. However, even so, there will be pain. To learn certain life lessons, we need to experience

situations where we may get hurt or even hurt others. This is an important part of our growth process.

Unless you live in a self-imposed, sealed box, it is virtually impossible to avoid pain. And even if you did live in that box, you would subconsciously attract events into your life to try and get you out of it.

In life, some pain is actually necessary. But while we really cannot avoid pain, this does not mean that we have to suffer. Suffering occurs only when we choose to hold on to that pain by not understanding how to properly process it and let it go.

It is this process of learning to fully acknowledge and feel our feelings, both negative and positive, that will assist us in becoming who we are and define what we are to do in this world. And by learning to let go of our negative feelings, we can grow emotionally and experience more happiness, love, and joy. I truly believe that each of us has come into this world to share and experience love.

To understand how you can live from an open heart, think of your heart as any other muscle. It has to be constantly exercised in order to grow. Just as you go to a gym to lift weights and develop your muscles, so you need to exercise your heart. Whenever you follow your heart and passions, and face the challenges that come with that, you are exercising your heart. Any bodybuilder knows that the more pain you are open to experiencing – with proper rest and nutrition – the stronger your muscles will grow. The same is true with learning to master your emotions.

Please don’t misunderstand. You should never intentionally hurt yourself or expose yourself to abuse or hurt. I am simply saying that by allowing yourself to live from an open heart you have already exposed yourself to the possibility that someone may hurt you or that you may unintentionally hurt someone else. This is very different from doing something intentionally. By following your heart, you are simply not permitting those self-imposed beliefs to shut down your life. This process will automatically make you more vulnerable.

It is only at times when we make mistakes or get hurt that we have the ability to grow. By learning to process our negative feelings and love others and ourselves despite the faults, it becomes possible for us to keep our heart open. It is also this process of keeping our heart open that allows us to cultivate our ability to know whether someone is the right or wrong life partner for us. To understand more fully how it is possible to love someone yet recognize that this is not the right partner for life, read one of my previous articles: “How To Deal With Painful Divorce or Break Up: Understanding When Love Is Not Enough".

This ability to keep an open heart is the first precondition for knowing whether someone is the right one.

(This post is getting long. Let’s take a little break so you can take time to process the information shared here. I’ll continue the rest of the article on my next post - by this weekend. Stay tuned…)

Timing plays a huge part in finding the love of your life: The proof is all around you

It’s not difficult to find a partner if being in love is not that important to you, or if being highly compatible with your partner isn’t a huge criteria for you. But if this is all too important, then you’re not just looking for a partner, you’re looking for the love of your life.

Timing plays a huge part in this. But first, you must understand that timing does not only mean being at the right place at the right time, it also means “you” have to be “ready.”

To be ready is not only about being available and open, or telling yourself and others that you’re ready and looking. That’s not enough. If you want to attract the best partner for you, you have to be your best, too.

So saying you’re ready must also mean you’ve taken the time to work on your Self – mentally, emotionally, physically, even spiritually – so you’ll not only recognize the love of your life when he or she comes along, but you’ll be “ready” to treat them the way you want to be treated.

I’m sure you know of couples that are now happily together, however at one point, they might have had to completely break up and remain friends or simply go their separate ways. The timing was off. They were at different “places” in their lives – in their personal growth.

Maybe one partner was more developed than the other when it came to being in relationships. Perhaps the other wasn’t emotionally mature enough to handle and appreciate what a real relationship has to offer. Maybe they weren’t clear on what they wanted, or didn’t communicate honestly. Perhaps, they weren’t mentally or emotionally ready for each other even though they said they were “ready” to be in love. Whatever the case, the relationship ended.

But it wasn’t until they parted ways, furthered their personal growth, experienced other relationships, only could they then come together again to see each other in a different light, a better light; and to now know how to fully appreciate one another. So though they may not have been perfect for each other at one point, they are perfect for each other now.

There’s proof of timing at work all around us. I’ll use my friends as examples.

When Ann met Alex, she adored him. And he? Well, let’s just say he knew there was something truly special about her that he had never experienced before in any relationship.

Though they bonded and the feelings were strong, there were still a lot of strains in the relationship. One of the big reasons being Ann wasn’t quite ready. Emotionally she was still somewhat attached to her last long-term relationship. She felt she should give it one more really good shot with her ex because after all, they did share a long history together.

So Ann and Alex parted ways. During that time, Alex couldn’t love anyone the way he loved Ann. And Ann, well, everyday being back in her old relationship only forced her to grow spiritually, and therefore gain clarity, to a point where she realized how wonderful Alex really was. And how much she truly missed him.

Maybe she wasn’t ready for someone as wonderful as Alex a few years back, but now, it hit her – Alex had shown her what true love was. But she didn’t recognize it at the time, so she couldn’t fully appreciate it.

It was in going back to her old relationship that helped her recognize this. She was now “ready” to fully appreciate what Alex had to offer. But was it too late?

Well, let’s just say it could have been too late if this had happened at a time when Alex were a few years younger. You see, few years back, he wasn’t as emotionally mature. He might have let pride stand in the way. Why should he come running back just because she’s ready? After all, she did hurt him by leaving.

But Alex was a different man now. He was much more experienced in relationships. He was “ready” to fall in love and allowed his heart to lead the way. Due to all that they had learned during their time apart, they were both now ready, so getting back together just felt right. They’ve since been together for over seven years and are happily married with a child.

I also know another couple that broke up and went their separate ways for a year before he realized that he had made a terrible mistake and wanted to be with her again. It took her a little while to accept this and he understood. So he proofed he was “ready” through his consistent show of appreciation for her everyday. They’ve since been together for over fourteen years and are happily married with three children.

So here’s my point: Though timing may play a big part in when the both of you come together, however, if you haven’t yet improve yourself for a relationship, you’re going to find this out pretty quick when you're in the relationship.

If you say you’re “ready,” you’re then saying you’ve spent time working on your Self – learned to do the things that make a relationship work.

So unless you've done that, saying you're ready is quite different from being ready. Focus on self-development. Read books, read this blog ☺, spend time on self-reflection, get clear on what you want, write it down, learn as much as you can to improve your Self. And when you meet that special someone, apply everything you’ve learned, practice nurturing your partner, work things out kindly, speak lovingly, share affectionately, communicate honestly, listen openly.

Most importantly, take that risk. Love with all your heart and appreciate your partner without worrying too much about what is in return for you. Let life take care of that part. Because the truth about timing is this: When you keep improving in relationships and your partner can’t step up to reciprocate or fully appreciate you, the relationship will inevitably come to an end. And when the time is right, a better partner for you will come your way. And that new partner might just be the partner you were “growing” for all along.

It’s a fact: You get in life what you put into it. So put in your best, if you want the best!

Suprise someone with flowers today. You'll make their day!

We all want the “happily ever after” but most of us don’t even make time for it

In the past, I’ve written articles on the importance of romance and keeping the spark alive in a relationship. I’ve talked about not taking your partner for granted – making a conscious effort to grow your relationship and keep it exciting.

We all want the “happily ever after” but most of us don’t even take the time to make it happen. We let pride get in the way; we let ourselves slip; we make excuses. Let’s just say if you’re busy doing all this, you obviously don’t know what you’re missing.

But the good news is that it’s never too late to make things right. Let me share a true story that will hopefully enlighten you.

Though I know of many beautiful true stories, there’s one in particular I want to share with you right now. It is a story contributed by David A. Manzi, published in the bestselling “Chicken Soup for the Soul” series. I hope this will inspire you to nurture your relationship – and nurture yourself…

The story is called: Wednesday

She is my wife, my lover, my best friend. For over fourteen years, our marriage has endured and grown. I can honestly state that after all this time together, my love for Patricia has not diminished in the slightest way.

In fact, through each passing day, I find myself more and more enraptured by her beauty. The best times of my life are the times we spend together, whether sitting quietly watching television or enjoying an afternoon at a San Diego Chargers game.

There is no secret to why our marriage has lasted while so many others have failed. There is no formula for success that I can offer, other than to express that the most important feature of our relationship is that it has never lost the sense of romance that bloomed when we first met.

Too often marriage kills the romance that was born in the courtship of a relationship. To me, I have always felt that I am still courting Patricia, and therefore the romance has never died.

Romance is not something that can be taught or copied. One can only be romantic through another. Patricia, my wife of fourteen years, has instilled the romance in me. I am romantic because of her.

Patricia has always brought out the best in me. The many aspects of our romance are too numerous to mention. However, there is one special romantic interlude that I began over fifteen years ago.

Before we were married, Patricia and I could not see each other as much as we would have liked during the week. The weekends always went too fast, and the days in between dragged on forever. I decided I needed to do something to make the weekdays go faster, or at least to give us something to look forward to during the week.

And so it began one Wednesday some fifteen years ago: I bought a card and gave it to Patricia. There was no special occasion. The card was just an expression of how much I loved her and how much I was thinking about her. I picked Wednesday for no special reason other than it was the middle of the week.

Since that day, I have never missed a Wednesday — Patricia has received a card from me every Wednesday, every week, every month, every year.

The purchase of the card each week is not done out of habit. It is my romantic mission each week to find the right card. At times, my search takes me to many different card stores to find that perfect offering.

I have been known to spend a considerable amount of time in front of the card displays, reading up to a dozen different cards before I choose the right one. The picture and the words in the

card must have specific meaning to me and must remind me in some way of Patricia and our life together. The card needs to evoke an emotion in me. I know that if a card brings a tear of happiness to my eyes, I have found the right one.

Patricia awakens each Wednesday morning to find her card, and even though she knows it will be there, she still lights up with excitement when she tears open the envelope and reads what is inside. And I still get just as excited giving each card to her.

At the foot of our bed is a brass chest that is filled with all of the greeting cards Patricia has received from me over the past fifteen years, hundreds and hundreds of cards, each one full of just as much love as the next. I can only hope that our life together will last long enough for me to fill ten brass chests with my weekly messages of love, affection and most of all thanks for the joy Patricia has brought to my life.

Suprise someone with flowers today. You'll make their day! (By the way, women, don't forget men like getting flowers, too! :)

What is chemistry? You’ll be surprised – it’s not what you think!

Chemistry plays a big part in how a relationship develops. Though having chemistry with someone can be great in many aspects, without understanding that it can work in the positive as well as the negative, you can’t fully grasp that it can also be the very reason you end up in unhealthy relationships.

For some people who love the idea of being in love, with chemistry involved, they can sometimes fall for the wrong partner and still think they’re in love with this partner, but really, they’re not – they’re in love with the idea of what this person could be. They build up and fall in love with an image of their own creation versus the actual partner they’re with.

This is one of the reasons why some people stay in unhealthy relationships or relationships that seem to be going nowhere. Because they feel there’s chemistry, they want so much to be in love to a point that they allow the desire to blur their vision from what is really going on.

They see glimpses of “what could be” with the partner. Even when the partner is not treating them fairly or in a way they choose to be treated, they would say: “But she can be really caring and supportive ‘sometimes.’” Or, “He can be really understanding and nurturing ‘sometimes.’”

Now, if your vision weren’t so blurred, I bet you would see that you deserve better than the “sometimes” your partner offers you. You would realize you’re not in love with your partner for the way things are, but more, how things could be. And you’re hoping someday soon those good things that happen “sometimes” could turn into “all the time.”

Let’s face it, it’s good to see the positive qualities in others, but it’s not so good if it’s at the expense of what you truly want or deserve in a relationship. Maybe you can trick yourself into thinking everything is okay when it’s not, but you can’t fool love.

Eventually the truth will set in at some point. When that happens, and you realize your partner is not who you thought they were, you feel hurt, you’re sad, perhaps even angry and resentful.

Can you see now how chemistry can work for you in the positive as well as in the negative? Now you know: Don’t let the chemistry you feel with someone fool you or distract you from your better judgement or take you away from what you truly want.

So… what is chemistry? Here’s what America’s leading dating and relationship expert, Evan Marc Katz has to say: “It’s an illusion, a projection, and a fantasy. It’s not that the feeling isn’t real or amazing; it’s that it’s so powerful as to blind you to reality.

Chemistry is what allows women to put up with abusive, non-committal men, and what allows men to put up with selfish, high-maintenance women. It allows people in their minds to fall for an image of their own creation – of what could be, and it’s not necessarily to be with the person they’re with. It is an idea of what that person could be.

You can’t help it when someone feels chemistry for you (and I would add, ‘or vise versa’). All you can do is try to manage it realistically.”

How To Deal With Disagreements in Relationships

On my last post I promised I would share some advice written by Relationship Coaches and Authors, Susie and Otto Collins, on “How To Deal With Disagreements in Relationships.” So here is what they have to say that I find to be in alignment with my thoughts...

It's a fact: Disagreements happen in relationships. There's nothing new about this. The challenge is: What do you do when you have a disagreement or difference of opinion with someone?

One thing you don’t want to do is what we call "talk on eggshells."

"Talking on eggshells" is to keep silent and not say what's true or what's coming up for you out of fear of what your partner will say, what they'll think or how they'll react.

Here's one of the big communication questions many people have asked us over the years: What do you do to work through disagreements when they happen so you can work through the challenge and keep or regain your connection – even when you have a difference of opinion?

This is such a great question, and believe it or not – what you do in the split second that you feel a disconnection with another person, especially your loved ones, will determine how long you stay disconnected and distant – and if you ever feel truly close again.



Take a second right now and think about a time when you felt triggered or disconnected from a loved one. What did you do?



Rewind the tape of the incident in your mind and slow it down so you can really see it. We're guessing that unless you're really highly evolved and very self-aware, your initial reaction was one of three responses in some form or the other: Fight, flight or freeze.

And you might have different reactions in different situations with different people but there's probably one of these that you can pin-point that happens inside you more often.



Do you see which reaction you have most of the time? We want to tell you which reactions the two of us have fallen into most of the time and how we work through any problems, challenges or 
misunderstandings that come up because of these reactions.

Consider using our example we're about to share to help you change any negative patterns in your relationship that happen when challenges come up for you. 



In the past, when we have had misunderstandings and disagreements, Otto's habitual pattern has been to come toward Susie with a lot of intensity. His physical body and mind races – voice gets louder and his energy intensifies. He becomes overpowering and pushing toward her because that's his unconscious way of getting what he wants – re-connection. But of course it doesn't work that way!

On the other hand, Susie's knee-jerk, habitual response is to leave – to walk out of the room, to leave the situation. As with most people, our responses were formed long before our current relationship. When we looked at our previous relationships, we had similar reactions when things got tough with our previous partners.



It's just that in our relationship, we decided together that we couldn't have the relationship we wanted and still act out from our habitual responses. We decided we had to learn to "stay."



We had to learn how to identify what we each do that takes us away from connection when we're upset and find a way to listen to and understand each other to find a solution to the situation.




As time has gone on – and with practice – Otto's gotten better at noticing when he's pushing and his intensity is "over the top." Susie has gotten better at feeling the urge to run when things get tough. She's learned to calm her body and her mind so she can listen and speak from her heart.

To help our situation, Otto's agreed to calm down his intense energy when Susie makes a downward motion with her hand – as in turning down the volume on a stereo – in an open, loving way. And then we do everything we can to stay open to each other and talk until we understand each other's motivation and point of view so we can feel the connection we love again.

Here are some ideas for you to try if you want to get out of your habitual ways and reconnect quicker and more easily when you feel at odds with one another...



1. Recognize what you do that takes you further from what you want. It takes courage to do this and then change it – especially if your partner isn't buying into any of this. But you know what? If you hang on to what you always do, nothing will change.



2. Breathe when you notice you've gone into that familiar place. At first, you may not be so good at catching yourself because the habit is so ingrained in you. But if you keep at it, you'll begin to realize when you get the urge to leave, fight or when you freeze.



3. Bring yourself into the present situation and commit to staying present to what's in front of you. Of course if you are in a dangerous situation – if the other person is a real threat to you, either emotionally or physically, don't stay but get help as soon as possible.

If possible, commit to "staying" with the process of listening and understanding one another – when you're not in the situation. If your partner doesn't agree, you can still commit to yourself to learn how to stay open to listening and speaking your truth.

This doesn't mean that you agree with the person. It may mean that you set some loving boundary for yourself. But it does mean that you are more conscious and able to respond from a centered place than from your habitual responses.



4. If you or your partner need to calm down and you can't do it in that moment, agree to come back together at a later time to discuss this issue. Sometimes it's just impossible to get anywhere when emotions are high.

Just be clear when you're going to come back together and don't be tempted to sweep the issue under the rug, hoping it will go away if you ignore it. It probably won't but will only get bigger.

Suprise someone with flowers today. You'll make their day!