Do you observe or evaluate: Is your communication style getting you in trouble?

There will always be situations and circumstances in your life when someone will cross some personal boundary, triggering strong emotional responses.

When someone pushes your buttons, it’s tempting to want to push back. But deep down, you know this is not the best way to deal with things — it’s not productive, it wastes precious time and energy, and creates more turbulence in your life.

So the question: Is your communication style one of an observer, or an evaluator? The difference with these two styles is the difference between practicing effective communication (one that has a strong chance of leading to a healthy outcome), or ineffective communication (one that hinders any chance of a healthy outcome).

For instance, you may be walking into the kitchen wondering if you need to add anything to the grocery list and your partner notices your silence and asks, “Are you upset about something?” You reply, “ I’m not upset about anything, I’m just wondering if there’s anything else I need to add to the grocery list.”

Your partner responded to your silence with an evaluation, not an observation. Any time you attach meaning to an action, that is an evaluation (or interpretation). Here are some more examples. See if you can figure out which is the observation and which is the evaluation:

1. “I see that your work is more important to you than our family.”
2. “You have been working the weekends for the past few weeks.”

1. “You don’t seem to care about me anymore.”
2. “You don’t kiss and hug me like you used to.”

1. “I saw you flirting with that man at the party.”
2. “I saw you talking with that man at the party for more than an hour.”

Well… how did you do? In all three sets, the first statement is the evaluation (or interpretation). Was that obvious to you? How do you normally communicate?

Whenever you find yourself responding with an emotional reaction, stop for a moment and try to discern the difference between your interpretation of the event and the objective observation of the event.

Observations are empowering because they allow you to direct the flow of the conversation based on facts – not based on interpretation of the facts. It gives you a solid reason to ask the other person why something happened the way it did. When you conduct a dialogue based on facts, your communication will feel more “grounded.”

Even if the other person can't quite put their finger on what is different in you, they will feel the maturity in the way you carry the conversation. Try it out and see for yourself how this objective observation style of communicating can cause shifts in your life for the better.

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What's Love got to do with it: Let's find out!

A question for Penny:

Penny,
I met a great guy… we were fine its been 4 months. We met each other’s family, took a mini vacation. Things were wonderful. I pushed him a way a tad bit just because I was trying to be careful but he just suddenly vanished... won’t answer my calls or texts. I’m saddened. Should I persist or cut it also.

Penny’s advice:

Honestly, this does not sound promising. I've heard of this happening to others as well, where someone in their life just disappears with no explanation. If it was really so wonderful, what is he running away from? What kind of character does this show of a person?

Can you truly trust him if it doesn't take much for him to disappear? And if you can't truly trust him, then you do not have a solid foundation with him to build a real relationship. Whatever the case, we don’t yet know his side of the story, and perhaps he doesn't quite know your side of the story either.

Because I don't know the details of the four months you had with him, I can only comment on what you can do right now based on the way you feel. I'm assuming you guys were talking everyday and all was good, then suddenly, it all ended and there was no gradual lead up to it, instead, he suddenly just vanished, right? I'm advising based on this assumption:

So at this point, you really have to listen to your heart and be completely honest with yourself. If you really feel that there was something great with what you shared with this guy, and it really is worth pursuing, then do something about it.

Here's your chance to lay the cards on the table. Whether you have to write an email, or leave a message (because he won’t pick up or call back), you can still take the initiative to give both you and him a chance to explain. Just make sure you share your truth - speak from the heart.

Tell him how you feel about the time you shared together, share with him how you're hurt about what is happening, and be honest about what you would like to see happen from this point on. Speak this truth from a place of love, not a place of ego. Have an attitude of coming from a win-win mentality. Do your best and share with integrity. If he's the right guy for you, he will see the beauty in what you're doing and know how to act accordingly.

But if he continues to add drama to your life by not responding or giving you a hard time, you now know he is not the right guy for you.

However, if you can’t see yourself sharing all this with him because you don’t feel he is worth pursuing in this way, then, there you have it… you already know deep down, it was fun while it lasted but you don't have to continue it because he's not the right guy for the long-term anyway.

If anything, you can still share your truth, regardless. Put it out there and see what comes back at you... at least just to get the truth out so you can get some peace and closure — if that's what you feel you need in order to move on.

Love is about sharing the truth - the truth about what’s really going on and the way you feel - not hiding it. Love does not waste time. It is us, human beings, who waste time. Love wants you to feel good and be happy in a fulfilling relationship. And this is what you want for yourself ultimately. So you see, Love is always on your side. But Love cannot help you unless you’re on the same team.

So act and align yourself with Love's intentions for you. Speak the truth, put your feelings out there (if you feel strongly for this guy, that is), and accept whatever comes back at you. Because whatever comes back at you is what Love would want for you. It is what Love wants you to know about him.

So if what comes back at you is a guy who's going to waste your time, it will show. You will know. You will know because your heart will not be completely fulfilled - it will feel confused, or dissatisfied. This is Love guiding you. You will feel these things so you can know to move away from the situation to make room for something better to come into your life.

However, if what comes back at you feels good and promising, then you can take the next step forward accordingly.

Just keep this in mind about life: You will always know what you need to know when you share your truth.